Link Gets A Job
by Gooey
Summary: Don't read this. You'll regret it. See? I told you... WAFFLES!
1. Chapter 1: I Like Pancakes

**Link Gets a Job**

**Chapter 1: I Like Pancakes**

Link woke up.

Today Link didn't wake up as early as usual.

In fact, he wasn't the one making noise like normal.

Link walked downstairs to find all of the smashers arguing.

"Hey, um… people? What's this all about?" Link asked.

"Well, you men are nothing but pathetic slobs!" Zelda screamed while lying on the couch and drooling.

"But you're th-" Link said, cut off by Samus, who threw Bowser at Link.

"DIE!!!" Samus screamed, throwing Peach at Mewtwo.

"ARGH! TOO… CUTE!" Mewtwo screamed, struggling.

"Um… why don't we have a vote on this instead of resolve to pure violence?" Link asked.

"But that would be orderly!" Zelda screamed.

"He has a point, you know," Samus said.

"OKAY! EVERYBODY WHO SAYS THE MEN SHOULD STAY HERE GO TO THE LEFT!" Zelda shouted.

All of the men moved to the left, except for Link.

"EVERYONE WHO THINKS WE SHOULD THROW THE MEN OUT GO TO THE RIGHT!" Zelda shouted.

"Um.. the left side wins," Link said, while standing in the centre.

"But the **right** side is **right**!" Zelda said.  
"That doesn't make sense!" Link said.

"Then woman count as the exact amount that will make the right side and the left side even!" Zelda said, folding her arms.

"It's your choice, Link!" Ganondorf said.

"Um… if all the men leave, they could set up a gypsy camp!" Link said.

"A GYPSY CAMP!?" all the woman gasped.

"Being Link's wife, I should get a say in this!" Zelda said.

"But you're not my wife!" Link said.

"Be quiet! And anyway, you said you didn't want to be neglected by anyone!" Zelda said.

"But not this way!" Link said.

"You're just jealous!" Zelda said.

"Well… what if all of the men do chores and you sit around doing nothing?" Link asked.

"Sure!" Zelda said.

The two shook hands.

"Should I get snacks?" Link asked.

"Yeah, go ahead," Zelda said.

Link came back with snacks, only to find everyone arguing again.

"Link! You just can't do simple chores! YOU MUST HAVE AN OCCUPICATION!" Zelda screamed.

"But you don't do anything, and I saved the world!" Link said.

"Hey, Link! Are those cookies?" Ness asked, struggling from under Samus.

"Yeah," Link said.

"Who made them?" Ness said, sending a ball of telepathic energy into Samus.

"I found the cookie mix on the table. Why?" Link asked.

"Oh. It's Zelda's cookie mix," Ness said, realising that the cookies were green.

"Hey! They're not that bad! See? I'm even eating them!"

**In hospital…**

"Link? Are you okay?" Zelda asked.

"Huh? Where am I?" Link asked, unaware that he was in a hospital.

"You're in a hospital," Zelda said.

"Who made that cookie mix?" Link asked, sitting up.

"Er… Peach!" Zelda said, pointing to Peach, who was feeding cookies to the kids.

"Then why isn't Popo dying at the moment?" Link asked, glaring at Zelda.

"That's because he – um… drank a magic potion that made him invincible!" Zelda said.

"But you were the only one who had that potion!" Link said, clenching his fists.

"That's because I'm being overly nice!" Zelda said, sweating.

"But you're never nice!" Link said, as his face turned red.

"Well, today's Be Nice to Each Other Day! Remember?" Zelda asked.

"Be Nice to Each Other Day is three months from now!" Link said, pulling out a bazooka.

"Well, I must've gotten the date wrong!" Zelda said, backing away.

"Oh. That's okay," Link said, smiling a cheesy smile.

"Well, Link… You still need a job!" Zelda said, smiling evilly.

"Like… what?" Link asked.

"A surgeon!" Zelda said.

"But I don't even know how to diagnose a cold!" Link said.

"Not anymore!" Zelda said, producing a forged certificate proving that Link could be a surgeon.

"But that's fake!" Link said, pointing out the fact that the certificate was just the words, "I AM A DOCTOR" in messy handwriting.

"Not anymore!" Zelda screamed, writing the words, "THIS IS NOT FAKE!" on the certificate.

"How dumb do you think Dr. Mario or whoever you're going to show this to is anyway?" Link asked.

Zelda put the certificate in front of Dr. Mario.

"Oh! I needed a new doctor anyway!" Dr. Mario said, smiling.

"But I have no medical experience!" Link said, backing away from Dr. Mario.

"Nonsense! You've had a cough drop, right?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Yes…" Link said.

"That's medical experience!" Dr. Mario said, dragging him along.

"But I don't know how to be a doctor!" Link said, struggling.

"Oh, you just need to be nice to your patient!" Dr. Mario said.

"No, I can't do an autopsy or anything!" Link said.

"Meh," Dr. Mario said, dragging Link along.

"NUUUEEEZ!" Link screamed.

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2: Don't Worry, It

**Link Gets a Job**

**Chapter 2: Don't worry, it will heal**

"Link, your first job is that you have to do surgical treatment on Popo!" Dr. Mario said.

"But Popo isn't injured!" Link said, pointing to Popo, who wasn't injured.

"Not anymore!" Dr. Mario said, knocking Popo out with an onion.

"OMG! You just destroyed a perfectly good onion!" Link said, shocked at the fact that an onion was wasted.

"Don't worry. It'll make a good onion soup!" Dr. Mario said.

The two had onion soup.

"Hey, has Popo woken up yet?" Link asked.

Dr. Mario turned to look at where Popo was.

"He escaped," Dr. Mario said.

"So I guess I don't have to do surgery, right?" Link asked.

Dr. Mario stabbed Popo in the back.

"Whatever made you think that? Come here and give me a hand," Dr. Mario said, attempting to lift Popo.

Link and Dr. Mario took Popo to a hospital bed.

"Now, you must cut him up so I can replace his heart!" Dr. Mario said.

"But you stabbed him in the back!" Link said.

"Still, his heart needs to be replaced!" Dr. Mario said, smiling.

"What with?" Link asked.

"This," Dr. Mario said, holding up Kirby, who had eaten one of Zelda's cookies.

"But that's Kirby!" Link said, in protest.

"So?" Dr. Mario asked.

"He's alive," Link said, scowling at Dr. Mario.

"Then whoever said doctors were supposed to save lives should be dragged onto the street and shot!" Dr. Mario.

"But I thought that… you… like…" Link said, gasping.

"Don't' worry. Come back tomorrow," Dr Mario said.

Link walked away quite briskly, accidentally knocking over a vase.

**The next day…**

"I'm glad you came back so early! Popo almost ran away!" Dr. Mario said, washing his hands.

"Well, guess what? I'm quitting!" Link said.

"But you can't quit! You signed this, remember?" Dr. Mario said, holding out a contract saying, "I WILL NOT QUIT."

"I didn't sign that!" Link said.

"Oh, whoops! Zelda signed it! But she's your wife, right?" Dr. Mario asked.

"FOR GOODNESS SAKE, SHE IS NOT MY WIFE!" Link screamed.

"But the song we sang when we got married!" Zelda said, who had appeared out of nowhere.

"What song!?" Link said.

"LAAAALAAAAZAABLE!" Zelda sang.

"I'm leaving!" Link said.

"NO! You must fight to the death!" Zelda said.

"But I did-" Link said, cut off by Zelda's singing.

"SUDDEN DEATH!" a random narrator announced.

"But I never agreed to do this!" Link said, red with fury.

"You look weird like that," Dr. Mario said.

"Do you think anybody would be blue with fury!?" Link said, angered.

"Yellow eyes are a sign of Hepatitis B! So eat your veggies, kids!" an anthropomorphic dog said.

"What the?" Link said, staring at the dog.

"Talking to yourself is a sign of madness! So never listen to crazy people in green tunics!" the dog said.

"DIE!!!" Link screamed, attempting to strangle the dog.

"Remember that anthropomorphic dogs have no necks!" the dog said.

**The dog died because it lied to innocent kids about the skeleton of anthropomorphic dogs.**

"Now you must fight!" Zelda screamed.

"Ready, set, GO!" the narrator said.

Link slashed Dr. Mario, who dodged.

"Remember to take your pills!" Dr. Mario said, throwing a pill shaped object at Link.

All of the smashers laughed, because the joke was loud enough to be heard by everyone in the universe.

"I can think of a wittier line than that!" Link said, dodging the pill.

"Oh yeah?" Dr. Mario asked.

"I am going to do surgery on the field!" Link said, stabbing Dr. Mario a lot.

Suddenly, pies flew spontaneously from every direction at Link's face.

"That wasn't funny," Zelda said.

"Well, how do you like a taste of your own medicine?" Link asked, throwing a pill at Dr. Mario.

"Did someone say medicine?" Dr. Mario asked.

Everyone in the world laughed.

"This is not a stand up comedy!" Link said, frustrated.

"Who ever thought it would be a sit down comedy?" Dr. Mario said, smiling.

All of the aliens and everyone in the world laughed.

"Hey, Link! You could be a stand up comedian and a magician at the same time!" Zelda said.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Link asked.

"Why?" Zelda asked.

"It got hit by a car!" Link said.

No-one except Dr. Mario laughed.

"Hey, why don't Italian plumbers with a part time job of being doctors have an Italian accent?" Link asked.

"Why?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Because they speak Icelandic!" Link said.

Dr. Mario went in a coma because he laughed too hard.

**At the funeral of the dog…**

"He was annoying and he lied to children who aspired to be doctors, so truthfully, he deserved it," Link said.

Everyone clapped.


	3. Chapter 3: If Star Fox was Educational

**Link Gets a Job**

**Chapter 3: If Star Fox was Educational**

"There is absolutely no way I am going to be a magician or a comedian!" Link screamed.

"You can be an engineer!" Zelda said.

"Okay!" Link said.

"In case you need help, you can call me!" Zelda said, smiling.

"Yay! I'm a- Wait, what was I? I was a piano player, right?" Link mumbled.

Silence.

"I'd better call Zelda!" Link said, pulling out a mobile phone. "Zelda, what am I?"

"You're an engineer," Zelda said, dryly.

"Oh," Link said.

"Hey, Link, I need my Arwing fixed," Fox said.

"It'll be ready in a few days!" Link said.

**In a few days…**

"Um… Fox? Your ship, er…… broke," Link said.

"NUEZ! 1 W1LL K1LL J00 4LL!" Fox screamed.

"Don't worry, I can make a new one!" Link said.

"Okay!" Fox said.

Fox left.

"Hm… first I'll need a tail… where do I get a tail?" Link asked himself.

Link walked over to Zelda.

"Can I borrow your cat?" Link asked.

"For what?" Zelda asked.

"He will… er… part of him will be venturing in outer space!" Link said.

"K," Zelda said.

Link took away the cat, and ripped of its tail.

"Hey, Zelda! I'm done with your cat!" Link said.

"You ripped off his tail!?" Zelda gasped.

"Yes," Link said.

Zelda stood there, frozen in shock.

"Go on, stroke it!" Link said.

Zelda fainted.

Ganondorf walked in.

"Ooh! Can I use that tail for my 'non-evil experiment?' please?" Ganondorf asked.

"No, it's for an Arwing. Go on, stroke it!" Link said.

"ARGH! TOO FURRY!" Ganondorf screamed, stroking the tail.

Ganondorf fainted.

"Hey, Zelda, can I borrow your duck?" Link asked.

Having fainted, Zelda didn't respond.

"I take that as a yes," Link said, ripping off the wings of the duck.

"Now I need a body for the ship… where can I get a body?" Link asked himself.

"Hey, Link? Popo still needs treatment," Dr. Mario said.

"Hey, can I borrow Popo?" Link asked.

"Yeah, sure," Dr. Mario said.

Link stitched the wings and the tail to Popo.

"Are you making him into an angel?" Dr. Mario asked.

"No, an Arwing," Link said.

"Then you'll need this," Dr. Mario said, stitching a jetpack to Popo.

"Fox! The Arwing's ready!" Link said.

Fox looked at the 'Arwing.'

"Can it fly?" Fox asked.

"It should," Link said.

Fox hopped on Popo's modified back and turned on the jetpack.

"Thanks, Link!" Fox said.

Fox went super fast into a wall, causing him to die.

"I forgot seatbelts! Silly me!" Link said, looking at Fox's smashed up body.

Link gasped at the fact that Popo landed on Ganondorf, causing Ganondorf to die.

"What happened?" asked Zelda dizzily, waking up.

"Fox and Ganondorf died," Links said.

"Then who's that?" Zelda said, pointing to Popo.

"That's a human being," Link said.

"Hey, Link, can I get my car fixed?" Captain Falcon asked.

"Wait, this isn't damaged!" Links said.

"Oh," Falcon said.

"I'll still fix it," Link said.

"Okay!" Falcon said.

Link dumped Falcon's car, and got out a trolley.

"Cool!" Falcon said.

"First we need a logo!" Link said, pulling out a banner saying 'Green Rules' with a picture of Yoshi with Link's cap.

"Awesome!" Falcon said.

"And we need this!" Link said, pulling out the jets of a space rocket.

"COOL!" Falcon said.

"And because it isn't heavy enough, we'll dump these dead bodies here," Link said, putting Popo, Ganondorf, and Fox in the cart.

"Um… is that a good thing?" Falcon asked.

"Of course! Did you think I was framing you?" Link asked.

"Yeah!" Falcon said, smiling.

"Well, I'm not," Link said.

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Falcon said.

An aeroplane hit Falcon, instantly killing him.

**THE END**

And now for… The real ending!

"Zelda, I fixed Falcon's car," Links said.

"Oh," Zelda said.

"Ain't that cool?" Link asked.

"You can be a Shakesperian actor!" Zelda said.

"But I'm having success!" Link said.

"How about a necromancer?" Zelda suggested.

"I guess we need to clean up those dead people," Link said.

"K," said Zelda.

**To be continued…**


	4. Chapter 4: I Like Waffles, Too

**Link Gets a Job**

**Chapter 4: I Like Waffles, Too**

"So, um… Zelda? I know nothing about necromancy," Link said.

"Don't worry, Sheik does!" Zelda said.

"But where's Sheik?" Link asked.

Zelda turned into Sheik.

"AUUUGH!" Link screamed.

Sheik gagged Link with chlorophyll.

**Later…**

Link woke up.

"Hi!" Sheik said.

"AUUUGH!" Link screamed.

"What?" Sheik asked.

"But if you're not Zelda, then – but - that doesn't make sense!" Link said.

"It's only a dream…" Sheik said.

"Wait! Are you… psychic?" Link asked.

"Yeah, sure I am," Sheik said, sarcastically.

"Then you belong here!" Link said.

Link stuffed Sheik into Mewtwo's now dead body.

"What the?" Sheik asked.

"Psychics belong in Mewtwo! See? Look, Mewtwo ate Ness!" Link said, pointing to Ness' half digested body.

"Maybe Dr. Mario stuffed Ness down Mewtwo's throat," Sheik said.

"Mewtwo has a mouth?" Link asked.

Sheik smacked his head.

"Look, do you want to learn necromancy or not?" Sheik asked, climbing out.

"Um… word?" Link said.

"Okay…" Sheik said, scowling at Link, "The easiest way to resurrect someone is to use this potion."

Sheik poured a potion into Ganondorf's mouth.

"Huh? What happened?" Ganondorf said, waking up.

"Hey, Sheik! I have more bodies to resurrect!" Link said, killing everyone in the mansion except Sheik.

"But we were supposed to save them!" Sheik said, hyper ventilating.

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," Link said, proceeding to open the door.

"Hi! We were supposed to stay here from now on!" Pit said, as the door opened.

"You'll have to ask Master Hand about that," Link said.

"Master Hand is dead," Sheik whispered.

"Um… Master Hand is dead… better luck next time… I guess… I don't feel like I fully satisfied you with that sentence…" Link said.

"No! Welcome them in!" Sheik screamed, while whispering.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were a duck…" Link said.

"WTF!?" Pit said.

"I'm perfectly sane!" Link said, angrily.

"Then what are all those dead bodies?" Pit asked.

"Um… Halloween party," Link said.

"Halloween is in six months," Pit said.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Wario laughed, as he drove a small pink motorcycle in the building. "I am also sane! I am driving a small pink motorcycle! I find this completely enjoyable!"

"Hey he's fat," Link said.

"Lets use good grammar," Snake said, walking in.

"You are doing bad grammar! This maybe wrong!" Sheik said.

"I've heard better jokes made by DK," Meta Knight said, walking through.

"That was good grammar!" Sheik said.

"So was that!" Snake said, pointing at Sheik.

"Oh my gosh, it is! But that was too! But that was! NUUEZ! The world has gone insane!" Link screamed.

"This is so depressing," Samus said, walking in.

"But you're dead!" Sheik said.

Sheik fell into a plot hole.

"Not anymore!" Samus said, turning into Zero Suit Samus.

"W00t!" Link said.

"I like cheesecake. It is good for the protein," Wario said.

"Hey, look! There's my dead body!" Samus said.

Silence.

"Spontaneum combusto!" Samus said.

Nothing happened.

Samus ceased to exist.

"Now I'll use this potion that Sheik gave me to save everyone!" Link said.

"HEEELP!" Sheik screamed.

"Hey, shorty! Here's a joke! What did the fox say to the hippo? I like pickles!" Link said, laughing like a hyena.

Meta Knight stabbed Link.

"Ow…" Link said, not noticing that he should have died.

"I'll help you save everyone!" said Wario.

"K," Link said.

Wario poured the potion into everyone's mouth except Popo.

"Hey, why is Popo dead?" Nana asked.

"That's a good thing!" Link said.

"Now for: Nana Laughs at Popo's Grave!" said Toad.

"This game is so cool!" Ness said, playing the game on his gameboy.

On Ness' screen, it showed Nana laughing at a tombstone.

"Now I'll use a jackhammer to wreck Popo's body!" Ness said, pressing a few buttons.

"Now I'll laugh at Popo's grave! Literally!" Nan said, laughing at a tombstone.

"Hey, Fox! You can use this guy as your Arwing!" Link said, handing Fox Pit.

"AUUUUGH!" Pit screamed.

"Yay! I have a talking horsey!" Fox said.

"Let's eat garbage!" Samus said.

"Yay!" Everyone said.

"Oh no! I have a sword stuck in my body!" Link said, noticing that he'd been stabbed.

Link fell unconscious.

**To be continued…**


End file.
